i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
