This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
