i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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