my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
