remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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