A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.