Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days