i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
