Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
