All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
