Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
