Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
