4 words: hood of his car
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
