I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
