i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
