you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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