Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
