She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
