There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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