just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
