We won't sleep together?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
