My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
