I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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