I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
