DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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