I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
