Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
