My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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