I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
