haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
