All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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