I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
