You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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