I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
