glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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