I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
