she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
