Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
