Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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