That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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