I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize