the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
