he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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