when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
