He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
