Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
