if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
