There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.