I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.