Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
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Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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