my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
