You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
