I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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