Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
