dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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