A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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