I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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