I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
