I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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