Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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